I don’t mean to be a problem but….

I start every statement I make with this caveat. I have learned to do this over years of coming to  understand the broad implications of every day social interactions to the larger concepts of culture and community.

There was a time not long ago that my utterances would reward me with a smack across my face or an inevitable departure of my intended target, in the early days, my adoptive father.

“You know you are crazy,” he would say as he turned on his heels to walk out of the room.

Frantic to be heard I would chase him, tears streaming down my face. I was the family scapegoat! I was forced to spend 5 days a week in psychoanalysis and, little to my knowledge, would be forced to do it for 7 years of my life. I was the family’s holder of secrets and pathology. I was the one that was silenced by being trivialized. I was never given respectful attention because the conclusions that I was making about life were strikingly different than the people around me who felt interrupted by my presence.

Every interaction I had that trivialized my experience, labeled me as “crazy”, insisted that I was the problem, caused great turmoil in me and I was forced to retreat inside myself to decipher the meaning of my plight. It was clear that there would be no relief in relationships.

Despite my wish to isolate and withdrawal from the toxic evaluations being made of my thoughts and understanding of my own experience, I was forced to interact daily with a whole horde of people invested on keeping me silenced by the imposed shame of ridicule, harassment, labeling and abuse. In fact, it was the very nature of my thought processes and desire to be heard that seemed to justify the mistreatment by family and “professionals” alike.

I have a lot to say. I have been silenced too long. My perspective is unique and maybe disturbing. It is said that great genius can only follow chaos. From my vantage point, there is no greater time for the creation of chaos then now. I don’t mean to be a problem, but….Image

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2 thoughts on “I don’t mean to be a problem but….

  1. Sometimes it takes a long time to change a permanent negative attention towards onesself into a positive one inside , becuase as long as the negative comments are repeated inside the same thing will appear again and again in relationships.

    • There are no negative comments being made about myself in sharing my life story. It is a sharing of factual events and the gross misunderstandings made by others to justify their treatment of me. BY SHARING THE TRUTH they lose their power over me. There are those who stand in denial of their own persecution who try to silence me out of the discomfort my words create. Their denial is a defensive strategy because the truth in these matters is often a bitter pill to swallow. As long as we as a people cannot be truthful about the conditions with which we are forced to live, we remain immobilized to change. I know this may hurt and “I don’t mean to be a problem, but…”

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